Cancer Ghosting Helped Me Set Healthier Boundaries in My Relationships

I was ghosted! Thirty-two years ago, I was in treatment for breast cancer. I remember telling my oncologist that some people acted like they could catch cancer from me, as if it was contagious. Some friends and family kept their communications obviously brief, while others disappeared completely. Back then, the term “cancer ghosting” didn’t exist. I gave people excuses and bore much of the hurt and disappointment in silence. Resources like support groups were few and far between then.

It wasn’t until twenty-five years later, during my treatment for endometrial cancer, that I would become familiar with the term "cancer ghosting" and understand I had been ghosted! I was finally offered explanations as to why some friends and family distance themselves when support is so needed. I also learned I wasn’t alone in my experience; unfortunately, cancer ghosting happens quite frequently.

Understanding why friends disappear during cancer

By definition, cancer ghosting refers to family and friends disappearing during a patient’s diagnosis and treatment. It can leave the patient feeling deeply hurt and confused. I know now there are a number of reasons why people withdraw. Some may fear their own mortality. Others may not know what to say or do. Still others may have relied on you to be their stability and realize now that you cannot be there for them. This last one had a powerful impact on me.

Even though I had more information about the reality of cancer ghosting during my endometrial cancer journey, it was still difficult to deal with. I felt the same sense of abandonment, but I had the opportunity to process these feelings within a support group and with a therapist. I did not feel alone.

In retrospect, I realized being ghosted helped me be more discerning about my social landscape. I gained more clarity about who offered a healthy relationship for me. I also had a greater appreciation for those who stayed the course with me.

Finding my unconditional support system

The friends and family who stood by me during my cancer diagnosis and treatment allowed me to be totally involved with my treatments. They were available without expectations. Our relationships were based on caring and love, rather than being transactional. They did not demand my attention for their own issues.

I did not have the emotional bandwidth to be there for others the way I had always been, and that was respected. My energy needed to be going into me and my healing. Acknowledging those who stayed the course because they cared about me became foundational for future discernment about which friends and family I needed around me.

How being ghosted teaches you to set firm boundaries

Looking back, the people who fell away—even though it was intensely painful at the time—were probably not the best for my treatment days or my recovery process. The hurt of being ghosted took away my sense of peace and safety, both of which are so important during a very complex and scary time. My stability was rocked every single time someone disappeared.

With time, I realized, along with my appreciation for those who stayed with me, that the people who disappeared would help me determine how to form healthier, more stable boundaries in the future. Ghosting taught me what was best for me and how to say no to what was not. I realized my life literally depended on making decisions as if my life depended on it. Consequently, I became comfortable putting myself first.

Dropping the people-pleasing for a better quality of life

Because of this abandonment, I became bolder in speaking my truth to the people in my life. I said no without the guilt I used to feel. It was not my responsibility to share my concern and compassion with others who did not care about me. Many of my relationships before cancer had been very skewed, requiring me to give constantly, which I had always done without regard to the toll it was taking on me.

I could not do that anymore. I had to drop the people-pleasing part of me. Navigating a broken support system helped me see that the dynamics of my relationships. I was able to see that when I couldn’t fill the needs of some people anymore, they left. I understand my own pattern more now, and I know I cannot truly live a good quality of life if I am not taking care of myself. I now say no when my relationships with others are too demanding or one-sided.

Choosing authenticity

Today, I look for authenticity in others. Also, I look for those who let me be my authentic self. I have learned through the pain of ghosting that it is important to set limits on what I can and cannot do for others. It is important, too, to be in relationships with those who are comfortable with the boundaries I set. Yes! I was ghosted and the pain of it became the path to a better quality of life and healthier relationships with others.