Which is Harder to Endure: Divorce or Cancer?

Have you ever been divorced? Have you ever been diagnosed with cancer? Whether you have or haven't, the truth is they both suck. But what a comparison, right? Let’s talk about the similarities first. Both are a slow death of something that once was. Neither of them is planned. However, both change you forever. Both cause an enormous amount of pain and a financial burden. Both require a good support system, and I think we can all agree that both are very hard to endure physically and emotionally.

Comparing medical treatment to emotional recovery

However, when you get diagnosed with cancer, and if the cancer hasn’t spread too far, then you are offered a treatment plan. The oncologist offers options like chemotherapy, radiation, or an operation, etc. Yet, when you get divorced, you don’t necessarily get offered a treatment plan. You are left to figure it out on your own. With no formal strategy, there is no telling when you’ll start to feel better again. With no treatment plan, there is no expectation of hope that one day things will get better. No plan often means no path to recovery.

The search for answers in cancer and divorce

With cancer, you tend to ask yourself, "What went wrong? What caused it?" Sometimes we never get an answer to those two questions. Conversely, when it comes to divorce, there usually is a clearer indicator of what went wrong. Maybe it was infidelity, or a lack of commitment, financial problems, or substance abuse. In any case, typically with divorce, we know what went wrong. But with cancer, we are left never knowing exactly when the cancer took form and what particularly caused it.

Navigating family dynamics and impact on children

Then there are those who get a divorce while battling cancer, which is so sad, and I won’t go into that. Statistically speaking, cancer is a more common event than divorce, unfortunately. Although both cancer and divorce affect people differently, they still cause pain on multiple levels.

When I broke the news to my kids about my cancer diagnoses, there were little to no tears shed during that conversation. I remember feeling like this was the start of something big that my family and I were all about to face head-on. But, when I broke the news to my kids about divorcing, we all cried…a lot. It felt like the end of something that we all built and invested in together. The pain was much deeper and harder to endure. How could a marriage, something that we thought would last a lifetime, have such a sudden and unhappy ending?

Enduring physical breakdown versus emotional heartbreak

Divorce breaks up your family and cancer breaks down your body. Break my body down and change my appearance? Ouch. Break my heart, my view on love, and divide our family? Well, you’ve just scarred me for life. As hard as it is to experience divorce, once you heal from the heartbreak you take a deep breath and live life again. After divorce you become wiser and stronger than before.

For those fortunate to survive cancer, there is a lot of life to be lived after. However, the side effects can last for months and often years. Sometimes it seems like you are constantly dealing with the aftermath, and because of that, life is never again the same.

The definition of endurance in the face of hardship

What does it mean to endure something? It means to undergo a difficult, painful, or unpleasant situation for a period of time and not give up, or break, as you wait and hope for a good outcome. Endurance means tenacity. Some might argue that divorce and cancer are incomparable because one is a choice and the other is not. Others might believe that physical pain is easier to endure than emotional pain. But I think it is safe to say that family was never meant to be divided.

So if I ask the question one final time, which of the two is harder to endure? I’d say divorce was harder than cancer, especially if kids are involved. That is just my personal opinion after having gone through both experiences (thankfully not at the exact same time). Is one more preventable than the other? Perhaps. Is one more common than the other? I’d say so. If you survived cancer, then congratulations, you made it to the other side. If you survive divorce, then you can survive anything. If you survived both, well, I guess you are a lot stronger than you think.