Telling My Kids I Have Cancer

The hospital phone rang and I picked it up. It was one of the worst phone calls I had ever received. “Hello, is this Mark? Can you verify your age and birthday, please? I’m calling to let you know that the biopsy results are in and you have cancer,” said the man on the phone.

My heart sank and I felt my whole body get filled up with a rush of heat and then everything went numb. “I have cancer?” I said in a disappointed tone. “Yes, now we don’t have a lot of information, but we do want you to follow up with an oncologist on Monday,” said the man who seemed as if he was in a rush to get off the phone with me.

I tried to keep him on the line as long as possible, partly because I didn’t want to be alone, and partly because I had a million questions. “Do you know what stage this cancer is at, doctor? Do you know if I will need chemotherapy or radiation? How soon can I start treatment? Am I going to die from this?” I blurted out all of these rapid-fire questions hoping for an empathetic response for each one. But instead all I got was, “I’m not too sure, sir. We will know more in a few days. Please follow up with us on Monday.” “But I…” I paused and then I realized that I wasn’t going to get any straight answers today. So I said, “Thank you for telling me that I have cancer. I hope you have a great weekend doctor.” He replied saying, “You too.” and that was how, and when, I found out that I have cancer.

Processing a cancer diagnosis as a single father

I quickly started to think about all of my responsibilities as a single father, as a teacher, as a man. I wanted to make sure I had enough money in my savings account and in my life insurance policy. I wanted to get all of my important papers in order just in case I would die. The nurse walked into my hospital room on the fourth floor and asked me if everything was okay. Without hesitation, I replied, “No.” I said, “I just found out that I have cancer.” The nurse jumped and put her hand over her mouth as if she had just witnessed a murder or something. She asked me if it was okay for her to give me a hug and I said yes. She was the first person to hug me and comfort me after receiving that life-altering news.

Telling my family I have cancer

My mom picked me up from the hospital and I told her the news. She was shocked. I went home and told my dad, my brother, my sister, and my ex-wife. My ex-wife asked me if I was going to tell the kids, and I already knew my answer to that question. Yes. Yes, I will tell my kids right now, actually.

How I told my kids about my cancer diagnosis

My ex-wife, my two kids, and I sat on the steps in my backyard and I told them that I had cancer and that things were going to be different for the next few months, and maybe even years. I told them I might not be as energetic as I used to be, and I told them that I might lose my hair. “Do you guys have any questions?” I said. A short pause followed, and nobody said a thing. Then, with great curiosity, my seven-year-old daughter asked, “Is cancer contagious?” I looked at her and said, “No, cancer is not contagious. I can still hug and kiss you and be next to you, so don’t worry.”

My kids' questions about cancer, answered honestly

Then she asked, “Are you going to have cancer during Christmastime?” Christmas was six months away, but still an important question. “Yes, I think so,” I said. “Will we still get presents?” she asked innocently. “Yes, you will still get presents,” I replied. Then my nine-year-old son said, with a matter-of-fact tone in his voice, “Dad, you know that cancer is deadly, right?” I replied and said, “Yes, son, I know that cancer can be deadly.” I reassured him that there are a lot of people who beat cancer and live after having it. I told him that, with today’s modern medicine, I had a good chance I wouldn’t die from it (at least that's what I hoped at the time, but deep down I had my doubts). He thought about my response to his statement and then said this: “Well, dad, we are here to help you, and I know you’ll beat it. I love you.” “I love you too, son,” I replied. “And I love you too, Leah,” I said as I hugged both of them. Then I turned to my ex-wife and gave her a look as if to say, “Well, that just happened.”

Supporting my children through cancer treatment

Over the next few months, they watched me head off to my chemotherapy appointments. They witnessed my hair falling out and visibly saw how much weight I was losing. They were by my side through it all as much as they could be. They were very supportive, and if they had any more questions, I was sure to give them an honest and hopeful answer. They received so many Christmas gifts that year because I had made an Amazon wishlist and posted it online. So, a bunch of friends and family purchased toys, books, Lego sets, and Barbie accessories for them. It was great.

Cancer-free and looking back on that day

Thankfully, I am now cancer-free, and my son Levi is 11, and my daughter and Leah is 9. Breaking the horrible news to my kids that late summer afternoon on the steps of my backyard was one of the hardest conversations I had to have in my life. But I’m glad I told them. I’m glad I remained open and honest with them. Oh, what a time! All three of us are glad that it’s behind us now. Now that moment on the steps is just a memory.